Couldn’t love this more if I tried!
Love you so much!!!! I am so proud of you!!!!
I’m going to skip today’s prompt because it’s time I wrote from the heart again!
If you know me, you know that I have a very soft-spoken voice, I’m often asked to repeat myself & I’m sure people sometimes just agree with me because they don’t want to ask a third time for me to repeat myself, you also know that I am very shy to people that I don’t know or have just met. I don’t choose to be quiet, I just am. I’m shy, I like to keep to myself, I fear rejection, I have anxiety about new people, that’s just me. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to ask questions when needed, I warm up to people a little more, but I still have anxiety about new situations. Before you suggest I talk to someone, don’t. That’s the last thing I need to hear, I don’t need help…
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This is a guest submission by my sister in law.
My name is Elizabeth, after an abusive relationship with my children’s father, I have been left with PTSD among other illnesses. I have been back and forth to doctors and my therapists. I have been on so many different medications etc… While taking care of myself and my needs, I have also been a single mother of two amazing little boys. I have stood by their side during hospitalizations, school functions, made sure all their needs were met. I fought for and was rewarded full custody of my children. December 17th 2013, I was hospitalized for less than 48 hours in an inpatient treatment center for depression. While I wasn’t feeling well due to my illnesses and some depression due to my abuser being released from jail in Ga and brought back to Ny (my town) I had a bit of a melt down. I never indicated anything about killing myself but did post an apologetic, depressing sounding status on Facebook. Out of concern, authorities were notified, I was taken to the hospital for evaluation, where in less than 48 hours it was agreed that I didn’t belong there as I am not a threat to myself or others. News got to my childrens father and he went to CPS and the courts to get custody of our children even though he had already lost custody. Here’s more… the CPS worker is close family friends with my abusers grandmother and instead of fighting for me he is constantly asking me about how the grandparents feel and if they feel the boys should be with me. I have also been asked by the CPS worker if i would write a statement saying i wont move out of state and allow visitations to the other party. I have done everything requested per the judge and CPS. I have been actively seeing my doctor, therapist, counselor and psychiatrist. Yet it has been two months, four court cancellations, limited visitations, missing out on holidays which include Christmas ( presents are still under our tree) In the mean time I can do nothing but sit back with an empty heart, praying my children can come back to our home, their beds, their toys etc…Here is what really bothers me. Without throwing names out, this CPS worker has been playing both sides. he tells the other party that he is going to request that the boys don’t come home, yet he tells myself and my advocate that they are requesting the boys do come home and that there is no reason they shouldn’t. Then he turns around and writes a god awful letter trying to depict my character and mental state. Why?? Because he is friends with the other party. Now how is this ok?? Where is the justice?? I am just speechless and heartbroken. no one besides the other party and the cps worker agree with this situation. They have advised me to push the subject and get the word out. Them being friends should have been considered a conflict of interest and he shouldn’t be the one in charge of the case. I am asking you to sign this petition to show the world that this abuse of power is not only morally wrong, but also illegal. The emotional and mental ramifications this situation has caused on my two little
boys (both under 6) is yet to be determined. And I will do whatever it takes to prove that my home is their rightful place. They are loved and cherished.
I try to live my life positively. Focusing on the good. For me, I can get so easily overwhelmed and dragged down by the negative; that I make an effort every day to stay positive. When I gave birth to my daughter, I had no regrets. However once a few months had passed, I found myself deeply saddened by what I perceived I had done wrong. I was upset by the fact that I had an epidural. That I allowed the nurses to bully me. That I didn’t speak up for myself. I had this beautifully healthy baby girl next to me, yet I was in tears. It has taken me until now, 16 months after her birth to be able to talk about that night without feeling it in the pit of my stomach. I am now at peace. I have allowed myself to simply learn from the experience. I no longer list the “I should haves”. It has not been an easy road for me. But I have taken that negative. And twisted it into a positive. For I know how strong I will be for my next birth! I will own it!!
Peace Love Cheeks
Today was a shit show. First furnace is broken. Drops to 40 overnight in the house. Even the animals are shaking. Second landlord isn’t answering. So I go to their house and walk up his mother in law. Finally get a call back. I’m at breakfast. Hattie eats all my food. She then throws her plate across the restaurant. It breaks. I try to find someone to come fix it. Takes calling over five places to get a guy to come out. Turns out it is not an easy fix. It’s about a grand. Then we grocery shop. I couponed for the first time. Stressful. Saved fifty bucks. Awesome. Get home. Husband tells me to get ready. Date night. Bowling. I suck. He almost gets a 200. I get less than 80. Shittiest day turned magical. I’m a lucky lady.
Sometimes parenting is joyful. At times dreadful. Rarely quiet, at least in this house. Whether it be the joyful laughter of Cheeks discovering a new way to chase the cat, or her cries of frustration. There is noise. Until there isn’t. The moments leading up to “NightNight” in our house are slightly frantic. We search for the cream to put on her tush, the diaper we swear we put right beside us, the perfect Jammie’s. But all too soon she and I are in bed. She is nursing, staring at me. Sometimes mumbling. Other times unlatching to gleefully say MAMA! But always, after a few moments that sometimes stretch into an eternity her eyelids flutter. They close. Her breathing deepens. She sighs. My nipple falls from her mouth. I quietly scramble to get out of bed. Eager to enjoy some grown up time. Yet, the silence when I go downstairs is deafening. We find ourselves wishing she was playing in the other room, or wanting desperately to show us something. But our angel is silent. And somehow, that’s louder than her most frustrated cries. In that instant I miss her, just as if I had been away for days or months. I feel like I’m missing a piece of me. And I realize. I left my heart upstairs.
Um, hi. I missed you. I’ve been MIA. A mommy in action. But in my quest to balance it all, I forgot myself. I’ve needed this. A release, no judgement. I’ve been lost. And it’s taken nearly all of the air out of my sails. So, let’s start over, anew, fresh. And let me tell you the story of me.
This is a story of forgiveness. This is a story of love. This is a story of trust.
In a strange way, I feel nervous writing this. I’m baring myself, and it feels so raw. I’m not comfortable sharing all of myself here. And I hope one day I will be. This situation, it was caused by someone else. But it has become a very introspective journey, it’s about finding myself. So let’s list the facts.
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a sister.
But, I am not me. I have become a different person. A person I am extremely proud of being. I am a giving person, at times too much. I am a loving person. A trusting person. I am a better person.
But what happens when that person is forgotten? Not forever, but for any period of time. What happens when trust is broken so brutally that you feel you can’t go on? Before this, I would have had a million answers to that very question. Now, only one. Forgive. I forgive for myself, no one else. I refuse to hold bitterness in my heart. I only have time for moving forward, and not looking back.
And in a strange way, this has caused a chain reaction, forgiveness all around. I have forgiven myself for losing sight of what was important at times. I have forgiven my mother, for not being who I thought she should be. I have forgiven my father, for never being able to give up drinking. I have forgiven those whom I feel have slighted me. But most importantly, myself, for not being the mother I dreamed I would be. I’m not a bad mother, in fact I believe I am quite the opposite. But, as with all things, I could be better. For the past year, I blamed myself for not being better. Not being enough. But that is over.
The sands of time dull pain.
I intend on giving more of myself to my marriage, to my family, and especially my daughter. But I have realized the one person I haven’t given any of myself to, is me. And that, that has to change. I will be the best role model possible for my daughter. No matter what.
A weight has been lifted, truthfully I feel peaceful. That is, until Cheeks dumps the bag of pretzels on the floor, again. But now, now I can smile. I can revel in the glory of her experiencing her world. I can breathe through the fits of tears she explodes into, simply because she can’t express herself. I can be gentle. Not just for her. But for myself.
Peace, Love, and Cheeks
Our family is about to expand, but not in the way you would think. Our family, wants to help another family expand. We have decided that I will become a gestational carrier to help another loving family become parents! Hooray! We are so excited! I will be updating every step of the way!!
Cheeks has started walking. She toddles around and zombie walks towards us! The biggest smile on her face. And of course we are so proud. A downside to this recent development is that she will hold onto my pants and try to lead me around. My yoga pants wind up around my ankles. Every five seconds. What a joy! Can you relate?